


in time

by supportingcharacters



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, SNK Spoilers, Slow Build, canonverse, everybody is in this tbh, mentions of gore/death/blood/alcohol, recent manga chapters, rivals to friends to lovers, starts around the latest ova and
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-30
Updated: 2014-08-30
Packaged: 2018-02-15 08:56:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2223090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supportingcharacters/pseuds/supportingcharacters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's funny, how much things can change.</p>
            </blockquote>





	in time

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WanderingTiff](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WanderingTiff/gifts).



> happy birthday [flute fluff!!!! love ya u nerd. have a great year! hope u like this <333](http://flutefluffs-trash-bag.tumblr.com/)

1.

Ymir was _outraged_.

“I can’t believe it!” she was half yelling, half coughing. “The one time I’m not there, and some sick creeps kidnap you! What the hell were the rest of you doing?”

It was dinner time, the evening after their first real battle - their infamous encounter with those thieves will doing that team exercise in the woods. Eren was still buzzing from it.

Fighting a real enemy – even if it wasn’t the titans, it had still been a real enemy – had left something different in him. Fighting someone, fighting and winning left something pumping through your bloodstream. The sensation was almost like a rush of adrenaline – but at the same time, it left a different feeling in him. He wasn’t sure whether it was a good feeling or a bad feeling, but there was definitely something about it.

_(he was reminded of_ that night _, the night he met Mikasa, the night he knifed two men and watched their blood spurt across his skin)_

_(yesterday had been a bit like that too, he guessed, except of lunging and stabbing with a knife, he had been dodging bullets and punching hard and spinning through the air with_ him _)_

Mikasa gently bumped her knee against his. She looked at him, her chin buried in the red of her scarf. She looked at him, her grey eyes full of concern.

Well – others wouldn’t describe her eyes as full of concern. But Eren liked to think he was a Mikasa expert at this stage. She was someone of little words, and he had learned long ago how to decipher her glances and her slight touches.

And of course, Mikasa knew how to read him, too; he was an open book to her, and no doubt she could see which memories he was reliving.

Eren gave a small smile back to her, bumping his knee against hers slightly harder. “I’m alright. You?”

Her eyes brightened slightly, and she made a noise that sounded suspiciously like she was scoffing. “Please. Of course I’m fine.”

Ymir had been down with the flu over the last few days, and wasn’t able to come along on the exercise – and when she found out what had happened to Christa…well. She was _livid_. “I mean—” she continued. “What the hell were you all doing? What was so important that you let Christa be taken by those assholes!”

Christa nudged Ymir’s arm. “Ymir, calm down,” she was whispering. “I’m fine, stop complaining!”

It was too much to resist.

“I wanted to fight them,” Eren commented. “And then, when they took her, I wanted to go straight after her. But someone stopped us from doing just that.” He glanced over at Jean. He must have heard – his shoulders tensed immediately, and he put down his spoon. Eren could hear Marco’s sigh even from their separate table.

Ymir’s eyes followed Eren’s gaze to where Jean was sitting. “Kirschtein? What did you do?” she called.

Jean swung his legs over the bench, face scrunched up in an ugly scowl. “I didn’t do anything, except what was logical!” he shot. “If we had followed Eren when he said it, we would all be dead in a ditch by now – including Christa!”

“That’s what you think,” Eren said immediately. “That’s your opinion on what would have happened. But you don’t know everything do you? You don’t know how anything would have turned out!”

Eren could feel something building up behind his eyes – the gall of this guy, only ever thinking about his own skin, and not his comrades. He thought he knew what was best, he thought he knew everything, he thought he was better than everyone because he publicly insulted the Survey Corps and because he was able to do some fancy tricks on his gear.

Eren clenched his fists.

“You’re right, Jaeger – I don’t know everything. But I know that marching in there, without a plan or weapons, wouldn’t have gotten us anywhere – apart from maybe an early grave. We all know how much you’re looking forward to getting yourself killed when we leave, but I thought you were all about rotting in some titan’s belly instead of being murdered by lowlife thieves?”

He could feel Mikasa bristling beside him, just like he knew Armin was rolling his eyes. Ymir was looking from one of them to the other, looking for someone to blame and not sure who yet. Marco sighed heavily beside Jean.

Eren could hear Connie whispering to Sasha. “I bet they’ll be hitting each other in the next minute and a half.”

“Put your money where your mouth is, Springer.”

“I’ll give you my bread for a week if I lose. If I win, you do my chores for me for a week.”

“You’re on.”

A fight seemed imminent, in any case. The atmosphere in the dining hall had gone from casual and relaxed to tense in an instant. Some people were already leaving, not interested in Jaeger vs Kirschtein, part seventeen. Annie was stalking off with Mina, while Reiner and Bertholdt had already vanished.

Eren stood up. “There you go again – you think you’re better than the rest of us, don’t you? Because you’re not afraid to insult the Survey Corps? You don’t care at all about the future of humanity—”

“—humanity has no future,” he cut in, but Eren ignored him.

“Do you even care about any of us sitting in here? Did you even care when Christa was captured, or did you just think of it as an inconvenience? Something that might make it harder to get into the top ten?”

“Shut the hell up, Jaeger.”

“Would you care if anything happened to the rest of us?” He could see Jean clenching his fists tighter. “Why are you so damn selfish?”

“I’m selfish?” Jean was on his feet now, and Eren hated to admit it, but there was a tiny rush of satisfaction zipping around his body. “You’re every bit as selfish as me, Jaeger. You’re so wrapped up in your own ideals that you don’t even think of the consequences for the people around you, you just want to be the _hero_.”

Eren opened his mouth to yell something back, but Jean was already yelling again. “When we were attacked, you immediately fought back, but what would it have achieved? I moved, and I was shot in the face!” He pointed at the cut along his cheek, freshly stitched up but still raw.

“If we had fought, we would have ended up dead! When Christa was captured, we all wanted to help but if we had just gone straight in, they would have killed her! But you never think of that, do you? All you think about is what you think is right! So don’t call me selfish. You’re just as selfish as I am. Just in a different way.”

Eren stared at him, stunned.

Something was different than other nights.

Other nights they would call each other the same recycled insults; idiot, asshole, suicidal bastard, horse face, it went on and on. But tonight, it seemed that they were both going for the hard stuff, trying to get under each other’s skin. It was definitely working.

Before Eren had a chance to say anything else, Jean had turned and was walking away.

2.

For the second time in as many days, Eren sat in the tower overseeing the trainee camps. For the second time in as many days, he heard footsteps approach and was joined by Marco.

“Hey,” the older boy greeted.

Eren managed a smile. “Hi.”

They didn’t say anything for a while, instead choosing to look out in a companionable silence. That was the thing Eren liked about Marco – his comforting, confident aura, and the way even something as menial as watching the others go about their business felt like time well spent with him.

Eren watched as tiny Sasha ran laps around the camps – Shadis caught her stealing potatoes again. He watched Ymir brood alone under a tree, still coughing into her elbow every now and then. He could see Bertholdt and Reiner and Connie, supposed to be doing laundry but instead Reiner and Connie were messing around, while Bertholdt kept a nervous watch.

The other thing about Marco was that he was good as reading people. He could read Eren just as well as Mikasa, and he knew something wasn’t right.

“You okay, Eren?” he asked, turning around and facing him, his eyes full of concern. Marco’s best friend was Jean, but even so – he didn’t hold any grudges or bias against Eren. Eren huffed out a breath, leaning back.

“Not really, I don’t think so. I mean – I can’t stop thinking about what Jean said to me last night. I’m not…like that really, am I?”

Marco smiled kindly at him. “You shouldn’t let the things Jean says worry you too much. He doesn’t have a filter, you know that by know; he just blurts what pops into his head.”

“I know that. But why did it pop into his head into the first place?”

Marco took a moment to answer, mulling it over in his head. “I don’t think that selfish is the right word to describe you, Eren,” he said softly. Eren exhaled slowly, relieved. “But I do think that Jean has a point.”

Another thing about Marco; although softer and kinder, he valued honesty just as much as his best friend. “What?” Eren asked, dumbly.

“I think that sometimes you do get caught up in things. Yesterday was a perfect example. You have…a very black and white outlook, if you don’t mind me saying. You think there’s only one way to do everything, and the second something goes wrong you want to dive right in and fix it. When we were surrounded, you starting resisting straight away, because you didn’t want those thieves to take all of our crap. When Christa was captured, you were going to go straight after them, because you didn’t want to abandon her.”

Marco looked back outside. A bird flew by. “And those are…admirable aims, I guess. But you jumped straight into action without thinking things through, and that’s dangerous, for yourself and for those around you. I guess that’s what Jean’s trying to say – but you were fighting anyway, so he wrapped it up like an insult.”

Eren’s head felt sort of fuzzy. “So what – I shouldn’t stick to my own ideals? I shouldn’t care about my comrades?”

“I’m not saying that, Eren,” Marco said, his voice a little firmer. “Always stick to your ideals, you just need to use your head. You didn’t want to let the thieves steal our gear – instead of bursting into a fight when the rest of us were unprepared, a better approach would have been to go along with it for a while, and catch them when they lowered their guard. And if it hadn’t been for Jean, you would have ran straight into battle – and probably have gotten yourself and Christa into trouble. Because Jean stopped you, we were able to come up with a plan, and things turned out alright.”

“Thanks to Mikasa.”

Marco laughed. “’Suppose so. Point still stands, though.”

Eren smiled. “Thanks, Marco.”

Silence hung in the air for a few moments. “I don’t understand though,” Eren muttered. “Usually when he says this type of stuff, it doesn’t get to me. But now…”

“It’s the same for him,” Marco said. “He’s been brooding all day because of what you said. You’re beginning to get under each other’s skin.”

“Hmpf.” Eren ran a hand through his mop of messy hair. “We’re just bad for each other, I guess. Oil and water.”

Marco snorted beside him. “No way.”

Eren looked at him. “What?”

“You’re not bad for each other. You’re good for each other, I think.”

“You must be crazy,” Eren said, stunned. “All we’ve done since we’ve met is yell at each other. There’s no way we can be good for each other.”

“You’re really alike, when you think about it,” Marco said. “You’re both rooted in your own ideals. You’re rooted in helping humanity, and killing the titans, while Jean’s rooted in getting into the Military Police. And although…they’re two very different things, you both have little time for anyone who disagrees with you. You’re both determined, you’re both headstrong, and you’re both slow to listen to others.”

“What? Hey!”

“And people like you…well, if you don’t mind me saying it…people like you need people to call you out on your bullshit.” Marco rubbed his nose, almost nervously. “I mean, maybe the reason you can’t stop thinking about what Jean said is because a small part of it is true. And if anyone else said it, you probably wouldn’t listen. It’s the same with Jean. You two influence each other, but for the better, I think.”

Outside, Shadis was yelling at Reiner and Connie for goofing off. Eren watched them with mild interest while Marco continued.

“I mean, you two fight a bit too much, which is obviously bad, and you piss each other off, which is also bad, but apart from that I think you have a good impact on each other. If you could get past fighting all the time, you could be really good friends, I think.”

Eren was silent for a moment. “You think so?”

“I know so. Have you ever seen fireworks, Eren?”

The question took Eren by surprise. Yeah, he had seen fireworks. A few years ago, before he knew Mikasa, before the harsh food shortage, when things had been much better. On the King’s birthday, they had fireworks in some of the big cities, Shiganshina included. And because Shiganshina had been such a poor area, it had been a real treat. Eren remembered seeing them, complaining about his mother holding his hand, his mother chiding him and his father ruffling his hair with a smile.

That had been before so much…before the wall fell and before he watched his city destroyed right before his very lives, before the screams and the blood and the never ending nightmare, before he watched that titan bite his mother in half, and her blood spurted from her body just like those two men Eren had stabbed when he was younger—

“Eren.”

Eren was pulled out of his thoughts by Marco’s voice. “Have you seen fireworks before?”

Eren nodded. “Once.”

Marco grinned. “Every year, before the fall of Wall Maria, of course, they used to have them at a big town not too far from Jinae,” he said, a twinkle in his eyes as he remembered a happier time. “They weren’t anything that special, nothing like they would have in the Inner Walls, or anything, but I still loved them. They were breathtaking; just explosions of color. But one year, a kid got injured. The firework didn’t fire properly, and rocketed into the crowd. He got badly burned, poor guy. And I remember, I was so confused – how could something as amazing and good as a firework do something bad like that?”

The dinner gong rang out. All of their friends down below all began to file into the dining hall – apart from Sasha, still running her laps.

“I think you two are like that. You can be good for each other. You can be such a great team – we all saw that on the exercise, when you pulled together near the end. You worked really well together, and made the mission a success. But while you can be good together, you’re still gonna have the potential to burn each other. You just need to learn to work past it.” Marco gave him a grin, before slapping him on the shoulder. “Come on – if we don’t hurry our food will be cold.”

He bounced down the stairs, and Eren sat out, looking at the darkening sky for another few moments. He didn’t move until Marco reached the bottom, calling out to him again.

3.

Eren didn’t really see much of Jean over the next few weeks. There was a part of him, a part of Eren that bounced what Marco had said around his brain like a tennis ball. That part of him would almost want to root Jean out and talk with him. But then he would be reminded of that asshole, of the way he wore stupid ass clothes that still looked ridiculously good on him, of the way he would always be there to point out where Eren had gone wrong, the look on his face when he went after Eren, telling him he was going with him after Christa.

Maybe Marco had the same conversation with Jean, because suddenly their fights seemed to stop. At least he didn’t have to deal with yelling at his idiocy now, but it felt…strange. In fact, he wondered if Jean was avoiding him – he barely even looked at him anymore.

Eren was mildly hurt.

Months seemed to slip by. It was right in the middle of the summer now, and the days were stretching out longer. The fragrant smells of summer blooms managed to mix with the usual bodily smells of hundreds of teenagers and horse shit from the stables.

They had to undergo another exercise, one based on teamwork. This one wasn’t so bad, though. They were divided into teams of eight. Each team would get three flags, and it was up to them to hide and conceal them, while searching for the other teams’ flags.

“The first team back with three flags from another team wins,” Shadis said. “The winning team doesn’t have won’t have any chores for the next fortnight.” Eren’s ears picked up immediately. “The team who loses all three of their flags first is on latrine duty for a month. Teams have been picked with me, based on having an equal mix of ability and leadership skills in each group.”

Eren shuddered as Shadis called out the teams. “Team 8: Bodt, Wagner, Jaeger, Braus, Springer, Zeramuski, Ymir and Kirschtein.”

Eren suppressed a sigh – not only was he away from both Mikasa and Armin, but now he was with Jean too? He could only remember the disaster that had been their last exercise like this.

They gathered a little bit away from the other groups and were given their flags; three ratty pieces of faded red cloth. They had the whole of the woods and the lake to hide them.

“First things first,” Marco said. “We need to choose a leader. Any ideas?”

Eren opened his mouth to say Marco, but Marco spoke again quickly. “I nominate Jean.”

Eren groaned, Connie snorted and Ymir outright laughed. He glanced at Jean, expecting him to insist, or to tell them to shut up. He was taken aback when Jean took a step back. “Hell no. That’s your job, remember, Marco?”

Marco gave him an odd look, but then some of the others joined in, prompting Marco to take the leader position.

“Fine. I guess the next thing is to decide where to hide the flags?” he asked, tiredly.

“The woods, definitely!” Sasha said. “We can climb to the top of the trees with our Maneuver Gear, and hide them along the treetops.”

Thomas frowned. “Isn’t that what everyone else is going to be thinking? That’s going to be the first place that they’ll look.”

“Not if we go up high enough,” Ymir countered.

Connie nodded. “’Can’t believe I’m agreeing with Ymir, but if we go up really high we’ll be able to hid them in the leaves!”

Marco nodded slowly, looking over at where Eren and Jean stood. “What do you guys think?”

“I guess the trees are as good a place as any,” Mylius said. “I mean, if we’re in the forest, and we’re near the ground, they’re going to be found easily.”

“I’m sure we can think of somewhere better,” Eren said. “I agree with Thomas! We need to think of somewhere nobody else would. Up in the trees is the obvious choice.”

“What does it matter?” Jean sighed. “I mean, it’s not like this exercise is going to affect our grades in any way. Let’s just get it over with so we can get back to the serious training.”

Eren gave Jean a glance. “Don’t you want to win?” he asked, almost casually.

Jean glanced back at him. “I don’t really care,” he said carefully, his voice quiet and his tone even. He sounded cautious; as if he was half afraid Eren was going to start yelling. “How we do today isn’t going to help me get into the Military Police. It’s not going to help you join the Scouting Legion, so what’s the point?”

That’s a different one, Eren notes. Usually it’s Jean bitching about how he’s going to join the Military Police, or how joining the Scouting Legion is a waste of time and resources, but this time he’s phrased it as if he’s accepted Eren’s goal.

Still. Whatever.

“There doesn’t have to be a point,” Eren argues. “I bet a lot of the things the Military Police will order you to do will be pointless, but you’ll still have to do them!”

“Maybe so, but at least they won’t be as pointless as what you’ll be doing in the Scouting Legion!”

Eren blinks. Jean is really starting to get under his skin.

“The point of this,” Marco deadpans, “is for you to learn how to get on with idiots you don’t get along with!” Eren blinks again, as if out of a trance, and looks back at Marco. He had almost forgotten the others were there. Ymir snorted.

“I have a plan,” Marco said. “We can split up. Four of us will go and hide the flags, while the other four start hunting for the other teams. Sound good?”

There’s a general nod of heads around the good. Sasha pipes up.

“I know how to hunt!” she says. “And I lived in the forest when I was younger. I can help track the other team and find their flags!”

Marco nods. “Great! You can start looking, then. Who’s going with her?”

Ymir sighs dramatically. “I’ll grace her with my presence. We’ll go east. The other two can start west.”

Connie whines. “I wanted to go with Sasha! I guess I’ll just go with Thomas then.”

Thomas frowned. “Hey!”

Marco made a _hm_ sound, glancing at Eren and Jean. “Sounds good. You two head off immediately – we need to get these flags first!” He glanced again at Eren, Jean, and Mylius. “We’ll hide our own flags.”

✶✶✶

The forest was on a slope, reaching upwards into a hilly area before dipping back down again, slowly at first, before ducking sharply back down towards the lake. The four of them were headed for the center of the forest, the highest part, where the trees were as tall as any titan, and their branches reached out for the sky.

Marco was talking to Mylius eagerly, always keeping a few steps ahead of them. Eren and Jean trundled along behind them, in a silence Eren wouldn’t have described as awkward, but…natural.

“Are you really not going to even try just because you don’t see the point of something?” he asked after a while, when the ground really began to slope upwards.

Jean seemed surprised by the lack of venom in his voice. “Not really. I mean – if there’s no point to it, why should we waste our efforts on this?”

“That’s a pretty shit attitude to have,” Eren said. “And I don’t think you really mean it, either. Like, there was no point in flirting with Mikasa because she wouldn’t ever be interested, but you did anyway, didn’t you?”

Jean shoved Eren’s arm, but it was more of a playful gesture than an aggressive one. “Bastard.” Eren could feel his cheeks being pulled into a grin. Jean glanced at him and tried to scowl. “Don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“With that shit eating grin on your face!”

Eren laughed this time. “I bet the reason you don’t want to try is because even now, if we lose, you’ll be able to say you didn’t care.”

“Hmph.” Jean didn’t bristle, exactly, but Eren could see that he was picking with some sort of competitive bone. “I’m not afraid of losing.”

“Yeah, you are. You don’t want to risk losing, so you’re not even going to try.”

A heavy silence descended from the sky, and they both knew what the other was thinking. It was true, and they both knew it. And it was relevant for more than just a team exercise.

Jean thought that humanity was doomed. And he wasn’t prepared to try and help to stop it, because he was afraid of coming to an even earlier death.

Eventually, Eren broke the silence again. “Let’s make a bet. If you actually try to win with us, and we win, I’ll do all of your chores for a fortnight.”

Jean raised his eyebrow, before a slow grin stretched across his face. “You’re on, Jaeger.”

“I think here is good enough for the first one,” Marco said, coming to a halt. Mylius took one of the flags, and began to climb one of the huge trees with his gear. Suddenly, there was a second whirring noise, and another figure spun into the picture, taking Mylius by surprised and zipping past, snatching the flag out of his hand before gracefully twisting and landing on her feet on the ground.

“Annie!” Two more figures, Reiner and Bertholdt, burst from the trees. “Did you get it?”

Mylius stumbled to the ground. A rare smirk was on Annie’s face as she grasped the flag.

Reiner grinned widely as he looked at the four of them. “Sorry, guys,” he said, almost sheepishly. “But a game’s a game! As much as I love you all, I’m not going to be stuck on latrine duty for a month. And you practically brought all of your flags right to us…”

Bertholdt gulped nervously at his side. “You should just give them to us…” he said quietly.

Eren stared at them, slowly grinning. “You mustn’t know me well if you think I’m just going to give up, Reiner,” he said, teasing a little.

Reiner grinned back. “I knew you would say it.”

“We both know I can take you – why don’t you give us your flag instead?”

Annie coughed. Oh yeah. She could beat the shit out of all four of them at once.

Shadis had told them what was allowed. Fighting was inevitable, and they were allowed to engage each other in hand to hand combat, they just weren’t allowed to inflict serious damage on each other.

So, it had come to this; a face off between the four of them, and three of the strongest soldiers.

Eren was determined not to lose.

Marco turned slightly, looking at the two of them. “No hard feelings, Reiner!” he said cheerfully, shoving their two remaining flags into Eren’s arms. “Run,” he hissed. “We’ll hold them off!” He turned, grabbing Mylius’s arm and tackling Reiner.

Eren went to jump right in after, but Jean grabbed his arm, jerking him away. “Come on!” he hissed, breaking into a run and pulling Eren after him. “Marco and Mylius don’t have a chance against the three of them, we need to get out of here before they catch up!”

Jean finally let go, grabbing the trigger for his 3DMG. He jumped into the air with more grace than Eren could ever manage, his grappling hooks spinning out with a whir and latching onto a nearby tree. The gas hissed as he was brought up into the air. Eren shoved the ratty flags in between his teeth, following suit as he launched himself into the trees.

Eren loved using the 3DMG. He loved the swooping feeling as his feet left the ground, he loved spinning as high and as fast as he wanted through the treetops, he loved feeling the wind whipping his hair into an even worse mess. When he was using his gear, he felt as if his stomach had dropped from his body, it felt like a rush of freedom had been shot into his veins, pumping alongside the adrenaline, fueling him, an unstoppable force of nature.

He could do anything.

There was a strange sense of euphoria zipping through the woods gave him, and as he glanced at Jean zooming alongside him, he could see it matched on his face.

They made eye contact briefly, and Jean’s face broke out into a grin. Eren tried to return it as best as he could with a mouth full of dirty cloth.

After a moment, he could hear people pursuing them – they must have been the other members of Reiner, Annie, and Bertholdt’s team. He performed a particularly tricky maneuver and spun in midair, taking the opportunity to glance back. Mina, Samuel, Tom.

“Let’s leave these kids in the dust,” he heard Jean call beside him.

It was…strange. Because they didn’t have to coordinate, or call out to each other to form a plan. It was like they just knew what the other was thinking; it was as if somehow, without Eren knowing, a connection had been made between their minds.

They both took a sharp left turn, glancing at each other before flipping downwards underneath a branch. Eren caught Jean’s eye and nodded, and they spun back up, latching onto a branch and going under it before looping back up over it, just as their three pursuers caught up. They continued forward, spinning backwards over their heads. The turn was two abrupt for the trio, and they continued on while Eren and Jean backtracked.

Eren could hear Jean laughing. He wanted to yell and laugh with him.

Jean began to stretch ahead of him, but Eren wasn’t having any of that. He used more of his gaze, shooting forward faster than was strictly appropriate, and he didn’t have to look back to know that Jean was doing the same. They raced, hearts soaring, as they shot through the trees together; spinning underneath and around each other, weaving between the tree trunks together, flipping and spinning and laughing. Eren couldn’t remember feeling this free before.

They eventually burst through the edge of the forest, having lost their friends long ago. For a moment, they just lay on the ground, panting and laughing and looking at each other. Jean’s forehead was covered in a slick sheen of sweat, and his cheeks were pink, and he looked so happy for a moment that Eren couldn’t even remember why he disliked him in the first place.

Eventually, Jean pulled him up off the ground. “We need to hide these flags,” he said, his tone a little more serious. “We need to win, after all.”

“Thomas was right – we were too obvious. Annie and Reiner and Bertl knew where people would go first. It was too easy.”

Jean was thoughtful for a moment. “We need to hide them nowhere would look. Everyone’s going for the forest, but Shadis said that the grounds were allowed too. So we can hide them anywhere.”

An idea popped into Eren’s mind. “I have an idea,” he said, his smile growing.

Jean frowned. “I don’t like that smile,” he said, before sighing. “I’m not going to like this, am I?”

✶✶✶

“I can’t believe that was your idea.”

“Why? It was a good idea!”

“I think my noise died.”

“Get over it. Yeah, I know that nobody uses those latrines because of a…block up, but nobody would ever search for a flag there!”

“I guess you’re right. Still hate you for it, though. I never want to go back in there again. Ever.”

“We still have one flag left, though,” Eren said, pausing in his steps. “Your turn for an idea, brainiac.”

Jean stopped walking, chewing his lip. “I’ve got an idea,” he said quietly. “But it’s even crazier than yours. You’re a bad influence on me, Jaeger.”

“Where?” Eren asked. His cheeks were beginning to hurt, he was grinning so widely.

✶✶✶

“And I thought you called _me_ crazy,” Eren said breathlessly. He had only been in Shadis’ office a handful of times, and they had all been when Shadis had summoned him – usually to lecture him about something.

He had never broken into it, with Jean Kirschtein, to hide a flag.

“The way I see it,” Jean said, slowly moving around to his desk, whispering even though there was nobody else around. “We’re the only two idiotic enough to actually come in here. Nobody’s going to find this – at least if we don’t win, we won’t lose.”

Eren nodded. There was something thrilling about this, something thrilling about doing something that would get them into so much trouble if they were caught, something thrilling about being here with Jean. He met his honey eyes and Jean gave him a nervous but excited grin back.

“We should hide it in here,” Eren said, “in case Shadis finds it. If we hide it properly we can come back and get it later and he won’t notice.”

“How about here?” Jean asked, on the far side of Shadis’ desk. There were three drawers set into the side.

Eren nodded. “The bottom one – that’s probably the one he uses most.” He reached down to open it, excited and apprehensive, but it didn’t budge. “It’s locked!” he said, unable to hide his disappointment.

Jean stifled a laugh. “I wonder what he has in there,” he said. “Anyway. Nothing always stays locked.” He knelt down beside Eren, so close that their shoulders were touching. Jean dug around in his pockets for something, before taking out something small and thin that Eren didn’t get a good look at before he was slipping it into the keyhole.

“You can pick locks?” Eren asked, surprised.

Jean grunted. “After Wall Maria, things in Trost got rough for a while. Thousands and thousands of refugees suddenly landed in the city, and there was a food shortage anyway, and there wasn’t enough room for everyone, even after the…”

“The Military Police’s attempt at recovering Wall Maria.”

“Yeah.” Jean said quietly. “That. For a few years, things were really rough. You had two options; steal or starve.”

Eren’s eyes widened. “You stole food?” He would be lying if he said he had never stolen before, but still – Jean had always seemed so untouched by the fall of Wall Maria, he didn’t seem like the type that would have had to steal to get by.

“Not much,” Jean continued. “Me and my parents, we were pretty well set up when Maria fell. Before then, things had been alright. And before I had enlisted, things had been better. It was the first year that was hard. By the time I left, the government had spread the refugees through Wall Rose. Things had improved by then. Ah! Got it!” he said, opening the door. “Hand me th—“ Jean froze.

“What’s wrong?” Eren asked, shouldering Jean gently to the side to look inside the drawer. His heart clenched.

Inside the drawer, were patches. Patches of familiar dark green material, with the Wings of Freedom embroidered on it, rough squares of fabric, some ripped, some with dark red stains on them.

“Holy shit,” Eren said.

“Holy shit,” Jean agreed.

They stayed like that for a moment, kneeling beside them, looking at the patches of cloth filling the drawers.

Jean’s hands were shaking, Eren noticed. So were his own.

“D-do you think, these are…” Eren couldn’t remember Jean ever sounding so small.

“From the people who…who…”

Jean gulped. “Yeah.”

Eren stared at them transfixed. He felt as if he had been punched in the stomach. Flying through the trees with Jean, working with him, winning with him, had left him feeling giddy and excited, and this was what reminded him of the real world. The real world where the titans were only too eager to devour them if they gave them the chance.

(his mother, broken in half by that titan’s huge teeth, blood spraying, the sound of his own cry as Hannes dragged him away)

Eren felt sick to his stomach. “That’s right…” he said, slowly. “Shadis used to be the Commander of the Scouting Legion. He must have…collected a lot of these.” He took a deep, shuddering breath. “From those left, anyway—“

“Eren.” Jean leaned back, his eyes closed. “Stop. Please.”

Eren looked at Jean, sitting back on his heels with closed eyes and shaking hands and fluttering eyelids. “I don’t understand you,” he said quietly. “I’m trying, to, Jean, but I can’t. This is what they died for – so many people died fighting for this world, and you don’t even care, you don’t want to keep fighting.”

“It’s not that I don’t care,” Jean whispered. “I’m scared.”

Eren felt as if he had been punched in the stomach again; Jean Kirschtein, admitting that to him – it was bizarre.

“I don’t want to try to be a hero,” he continued. “I don’t want to try to change the world, because if I do I’m just going to end up in a titan’s stomach. I don’t want to just be a forgotten smear on the grass.”

Eren doesn’t know what to say, so he says the obvious.

“I wouldn’t forget you,” he blurts out.

Slowly, Jean’s eyes open. They fix Eren with a sad stare. “You can say that now,” he says. “But once we graduate, and you’re off saving the world, you won’t think of me even once.”

The words sink like a knife into Eren’s gut. “That’s not true,” he says. “I’d never forget you.”

In the end, they close the drawer carefully and leave it as they found it. They leave the flag hidden on the bookshelf. Sasha and Ymir rooted out three other flags like hawks, and their team won. Jean remembered that the prize for the winning team was no chores for two weeks, and that Eren had tricked him by offering to do them for him. In the end, he wasn’t even that mad, not really. For the first time, Eren looked back at what Marco had said, and thought that he was actually right.

4.

Every few months, the trainees get a night off.

They usually go into the nearest town, and spend the night there instead of moping around the trainee camp for hours. These nights are like rare tasters of freedom – nothing like that feeling Eren had when flying through the trees with Jean, nothing like what it will be like when he finally sees the ocean with his own two eyes, but enough to make these nights a rare treasure.

At their age, they get served alcohol now. Nothing major, nothing strong like the older patrons would get, but a light ale that is just strong enough to feel the buzz of alcohol through your body.

A group of slightly older soldiers from the Garrison are there at the moment, and Eren watched them over the brim of his cup. Beside him, Armin and Marco were in the middle of a deep conversation, their tones hushed as they leaned in to hear each other over the noise of the pub. Somewhere to his left, Mikasa was with Annie, a faint blush on her usually clear cheeks.

Eren had plenty of friends in the 104th squad, but somehow, out of everyone, it was Jean sitting beside him, so close that when his hand rested on Eren’s bicep he could feel the heat radiating from him, so close that Eren could smell the ale on his breath, so close that when he laughed and looked at him at just the right angle, the low lights of the pub exploded across his light hair and his honey eyes like a firework, dappling them in different shades.

Neither of them were drunk; this stuff is so weak that you’d have to drink a few barrels of it to be drunk, but it was just enough to set a warm glow in Eren’s stomach.

They sat and they talked, and something was different about tonight and Eren wasn’t sure what it was. They talked without rising each other, and Eren was beginning to learn that although he had some shit opinions about the future, and even if he was a cynic, Jean was interesting, and every word exchanged with him left him wanting more.

He didn’t even thinking about the shit they’ve said to each other in the past – it all seemed so long ago, a different age, it didn’t matter anymore, not when Jean was laughing and Eren wanted to hear that laugh again. He couldn’t help but think Jean is beautiful – and Jean was never someone he would have described as beautiful before, but he is.

Eren wanted him closer, and he wanted to entwine his fingers with his, and he wanted to learn everything about this jackass sitting beside him.

Eren looked into Jean’s eyes, and he knew Jean felt the exact same way.

A few hours later, one of the soldiers from the Garrison – a year or two older than them, maybe – approached and started talking to them, Jean in particular. It was odd, Eren thought; he talked to Jean on a much more familiar level, when he was polite but almost cold to Eren. It took a few minutes before Eren realized. _This guy was flirting with Jean_.

There was a rush of something in his gut – not anger exactly, but something else that grabbed his small intestine and tied it into knots. He needn’t have worried though; Jean didn’t flirt back. Well, not totally anyway; there was something flirty about his tone and the way he tilted his head, but he made it clear to both Eren and this soldier that he wasn’t going anywhere that wasn’t Eren’s side.

Eventually the solider got up to leave and whispered something into Jean’s ear. Eren’s hand clenched into a fist as a blush scattered across Jean’s cheeks.

Jean shook his head in response to the soldier. “I might have, if this was any other night,” he said slowly. “But…” he gave Eren’s leg a gentle squeeze.

The soldier nodded and chuckled, winking at Jean and wishing them a good night before he left.

Eren mentioned it almost immediately. “He was flirting with you!”

“Well spotted.”

“What did he say to you? C’mon, tell me!”

Jean swallowed nervously, his cheeks a pretty pink color. “He asked me if I wanted to…” he coughed into his hand. “If I wanted to spend the night with him.”

Eren stared at Jean for a few moments before saying something. “Have you done that before?” he asked. “Spent the night with someone?”

Jean nodded.

“But he’s a man!” Eren protested.

Jean shrugged. “Gender doesn’t really make a difference for me,” he said quietly. “Does it bother you?”

“No.”

Love has never been something that Eren has given a great deal of thought. He loves Mikasa and Armin, and so far his plan has been to protect them, kill the titans, and explore the world. Though, if he were to find somebody that he loved…

In this world, the ones you loved could be taken away from you at any moment. Eren remembered his mother, finding Mikasa in that cabin in the woods, he remembered the patches from the Scouting Legion cloaks in Shadis’ office. If he did love somebody in a romantic way, he didn’t think it would matter what gender they were. Under the bar, his hand found Jean’s. When the ones you loved could be stolen at any moment, the key was to be happy with them while you still could.

He gave Jean’s hand a squeeze. Jean gave his a squeeze back, and didn’t let go for the rest of the night.

5.

“I cannot believe I scored lower then you!”

“I told you it would happen, Jean,” Eren said, as they walked out from the mess hall together. “You just didn’t believe me.”

“Still,” Jean says, indignant. “Sixth place is still really good.”

“Not as good as fifth.”

“Bastard.”

They sat down together on the steps, their bodies touching from their shoulders to their knees. The night was dark, and moths flew around the lamps hanging outside. The sounds of the celebrations filtered from inside into the cool night air. Eren felt strangely hyper aware of everything; of his breathing, of Jean’s breathing, of the parts of his body that was touching his.

“It feels almost strange to be going, doesn’t it?” Eren said suddenly. “I mean, we’ve spent three years here, with the same people. Now we’ll all be going our separate ways.” The thought saddened him. Since Shiganshina was destroyed, the trainee camps had been the closest thing he had to a home.

Jean snorted. “I won’t miss this place,” he said. His voice softened and lowered slightly. “I will miss you though.”

Eren nodded in agreement. He had been thinking about it for weeks now; what would he do once Jean was out of the picture? There was still so much he wanted to know about him, still so much he wanted to do with him. He hadn’t even kissed him yet. But in a few days’ time, he would be heading off to Sina, while Eren would be heading to the Scouting Legion.

Jean gave his hand a squeeze. “Do you think we’ll see each other again?” he asked quietly. The question made Eren’s heart clench in an altogether painful way. He turned, looking at Jean in the dim light.

The moon was out, but it wasn’t a clear night. Clouds drifted in front of it, so the white light of the moon was interrupted with dark shadows as it fell across them, like some sort of chessboard Eren had seen some of the Garrison in Shiganshina play to pass time while they were on duty.

As usual, it was like they were connected in their minds or something. They both lean in at the same time and Eren’s lips were a millimeter from Jean’s, but his mind never stopped whirring. He couldn’t stop thinking about it, about what it would be like if he never saw Jean again. Right before he kissed him, Eren blurted out a question.

“Will you join the Scouting Legion with me? Please, Jean.”

Jean jerked back, a little bit miffed. “The Scouting Legion?” he asked. “No way, Eren. You know how I feel about all of that.”

Eren winced. “I know, but I don’t want to leave you. Now now.”

“Then join the Military Police with me!” Jean said, a pleading note in his voice. “C’mon Eren, think about it. We both got into the top ten – so did Mikasa, so she could come, and Armin’s so clever I’m sure somehow he could get in as a strategist or something! And we’d be safe,” he added, his voice softer.

Eren shook his head. “I’m not selfish enough to live in comfort while there’s a war going on,” he said. “Jean – we’re good for each other, I know you know it. We could be a good team too – we’d make it in the Legion, I know we would!”

“No, you don’t,” Jean countered. “How can you possibly know? We could join Eren, and then in our next expedition one or both of us could be gone.”

“At least we would have died for the sake of humanity.”

“No we wouldn’t have!” Jean almost yelled in frustration. “What has the Scouting Legion achieved in the last ten years? Nothing. All that they’ve achieved is getting themselves _killed_ and learning _nothing_.”

Eren jumped to his feet, something flooding his bloodstream that hasn’t been there in a long time; rage, directed at Jean. “So what’s your solution? Hide in Sina until the titans break down another wall and kill us all?”

“Isn’t that better?”

“They killed my mother, Jean!”

“I know! Don’t you deserve a little happiness? We’re all going to die anyway, we might as well have a few happy years living in comfort before that! Haven’t you earned that, at least? Haven’t I earned that?”

Jean was on his feet now too.

“I couldn’t be that selfish,” Eren declared.

Jean scowled. “So I’m selfish now? Tell me, is valuing your own life selfish now?”

“No!” Eren yelled back, his heart pumping blood at twice its normal rate. He was so angry and hurt and he wasn’t thinking straight. This wasn’t how he wanted their last night to go. “Sorry, Jean _darling_ , I got it wrong. You’re not just selfish; you’re a bloody _coward_ too.”

Eren barely registered anything else before Jean’s fist connected with his cheek.

And suddenly it was like all those months of growing closer, of all their shared experiences and all the moments they spent laughing and talking and learning about each other had flown straight into the titan’s mouth; they were back fighting on the ground like they had been at the start of their training. It wasn’t until Eren spotted the tears leaking from Jean’s eyes that he froze.

He had never seen Jean cry before.

Something cool and wet slid down his own cheek, and he realized he wasn’t the only one crying.

Jean hauled himself to his feet, and flipped him the bird, wiping furiously at his cheeks. “Go fuck yourself,” he hissed, spinning on his heels and retreating to their quarters.

Eren sat fuming on the steps for what felt like an age afterwards. He wasn’t sure if his tears were angry or sad or guilty or regretful – or a mixture of all of them. The happy sounds from inside seemed horribly out of place.

A while later, Marco came out, and paused in the middle of his cheery greeting when he saw Eren. He immediately worked out what must have happened, and he wrapped an arm around Eren’s shoulder. “All I wanted was for you to get along,” he whispered at one point. “I was so sure you were good for each other – as allies, as comrades, as friends.” He sighed heavily. “I guess I was wrong.”

He wasn’t.

When Eren went back to the dorms, everyone was still out celebrating. The only occupied bunk was Jean’s. He heard his breathing stutter a little when he entered. Eren slowly made his way over to his bunk.

“Jean,” he called softly. “Are you awake?”

Jean didn’t answer, faking sleep and ignoring Eren. But Eren could see how tense he was lying there, even in the dark. Eren knew he was awake. Jean knew he knew it.

Eventually, Eren slid into his own bunk, feeling the tears prickle at his eyes again.

Marco had gotten it right.

They were like fireworks. They could have been so good, so perfect together, but instead Eren had gotten burned.

6.

Eren looked out at the sky, at the sun shining brightly. He was supposed to be helping with the preparations for his first expedition in the Scouting Legion, but once again, he was wrapped up in his own thoughts.

Armin and Mikasa would be here soon. Eren couldn’t wait – it had been a month since he had last saw them, and living without them was like living without his left arm. He wondered how many of the others would join now, if any of them would.

Mikasa and Armin were definite, of course.

Thomas, Nack and Mina had all said they were going to join. But they were dead now – and if Eren hadn’t rushed into battle recklessly they might be still alive, as well as Mylius and some of the others.

Samuel was going to join to, but if he would ever walk again it would be a damn miracle.

Connie and Sasha – Eren wasn’t even sure if they were alive. No – he had to believe that they were. They scored eight and nine in the top ten, for Sina’s sake! They had to still be alive – but he doubted that they would join now. Annie was going to the Military Police, Bertholdt was going to the Military Police. He wasn’t sure about Reiner – he had always thought he would join the Scouting Legion, because he wanted to reclaim his homeland, but he couldn’t see him splitting from Bertholdt the way he had split from Jean. Eren didn’t even have a clue about Christa or Ymir.

And Marco and Jean…they would be going to the Military Police.

At the time, a part of Eren almost hated Jean for it. But now? He was relieved. Now, he would be safe and sound and comfortable in Sina. Now, when Eren was fighting, at least he would know that Jean was safe, and hopefully happy.

He thought about what had happened at Trost _(too many,_ too many; _mina thomas nack mylius, nearly armin, so much death so much blood his friends)_ a lot. It wasn’t natural for humans to turn into fucking titans, everyone knew that. He had been left with so many questions – about the shifting, his father, the key around his neck – sometimes he could barely think because his head was so fuzzy.

And even aside from the shifting…he couldn’t help but wonder. If he hadn’t acted so brashly, would his friends be alive? He could remember what Jean had said all those months ago:

_You’re every bit as selfish as me, Jaeger. You’re so wrapped up in your own ideals that you don’t even think of the consequences for the people around you_

Eren knew that it was bad to get caught up in the “what-ifs” of any situation ( _what if he had acted differently at trost what if he had acted differently at home what if he had been strong enough to save his mother)._ He knew it was bad, but he couldn’t help it.

But then, there was something to take him out of his troubled thoughts.

“Mikasa! Armin!”

Seeing them run to him felt like coming home. And then, he turned, and there were his other friends; Reiner and Bertholdt and Connie and Sasha, Christa, Ymir. He almost felt like tearing up a little bit – even after going through the hell that was the battle of Trost, they were still willing to devote their hearts to mankind.

_(there was a weird feeling in his stomach; one part of him was devastated jean wasn’t there, but then again he knew he wouldn’t come. the other part is relieved, because while theyre going to be risking their lives tomorrow, jean will be safe)_

“So, what – only Annie, Marco and Jean joined the MPs?” he asked.

Everyone’s expressions froze, and for a second Eren felt his heart go into overdrive, because _what if something happened to jean—_

“Marco’s dead.”

It took a few seconds for Eren’s mind to process what had been said.

First of all; he knew that voice.

There was another strange feeling, where he felt suddenly overjoyed – that was Jean, _Jean was here_ which meant he had joined the Scouting Legion – but also another part that felt devastated and almost angry; he would have been safe and happy and alive, but now he was there, with him, literally running into the jaws of death.

And then, there’s what he said.

At first, Eren thought Jean was joking. He was almost ready to snap at him because how dare he make a joke like that when they all nearly died. He turned around, but then he saw Jean himself.

Jean looked like he hadn’t slept in a month. He was paler than Eren remembered, with dark shadows spreading under his eyes like bruises. There was no haughty bravado around him now, no; that had all been stripped away, leaving a shell behind. There was a hard glint in his eye, broken and angry, but there was also a steely determination there too.

“You’re…joking right?”

Eren knew he wasn’t. No wonder Jean looked awful – his best friend had just d- _oh my god_

Marco was dead.

_Marco Bodt was dead._

The kindest person Eren knew, one of the strongest people Eren knew, was dead.

Three years ago, when they had started learning how to use the 3DMG, Eren had swung straight into a tree. Luckily he hadn’t been going to fast, but he still had the breath knocked out of him, he still felt like he was seeing stars and that he couldn’t breathe.

It kind of felt like that now.

Eren’s breaths were coming shaky, but he forced himself to look Jean in the eye. He forced himself to watch as his friends donned their Scouting Legion cloaks. This was what he had lead them to.

He wasn’t going to let any more of his friends die.

For a moment, he thought he saw Marco there, the Wings of Freedom on his back, too.

Eren was too young to have cried as much as he had. Sometimes he felt as if he would run out of tears.

But later, when he was alone, he would definitely shed tears over the loss of Marco Bodt.

7.

“A lot has changed,” Jean said. They were sitting outside again, watching the sun begin to dip below the horizon. It was such a beautiful evening, one that didn’t fit the carnage that had occurred over the last few days.

How many of the Scouting Legion had died on the last expedition? How many deaths could Eren have prevented? _(gunther hanging with his nape sliced open erd bit in half just like_ that _petras body pressed up against the trunk of the tree the awful crunch when the female titan – annie – got auruo)_

And then of course, Annie.

Annie Leonhardt who taught him how to spar properly, Annie Leonhardt who was icy cold but had a soft spot once you got through it all, Annie Leonhardt who shifted into a titan and killed countless numbers of Eren’s comrades.

And now the MPs wanted Eren, and Armin hatched this insane plan to stop Annie…

It was all too much.

Eren nodded. “I’ll say.” He glanced at Jean. “You’ve changed a lot.”

“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”

“Good,” Eren said immediately. “I think. I don’t know if you’re becoming brave or reckless, but you’ve gone from being someone who wouldn’t have even considered joining the Scouting Legion, to someone who…” he trailed off.

Jean looked at him, his eyes narrowed. “Someone who what?” he asked suspiciously.

Eren sighed. “Someone who volunteers to be my _decoy_.”

Jean looked straight ahead, not meeting Eren’s eye. “You’re not sure whether I’m becoming brave or reckless, huh? Maybe you’re a bad influence on me,” he said, avoiding the subject.

“Jean…”

“I thought you wanted me to be brave?”

“We both know that’s not the reason you’re here. And being brave is one thing, but this...?” Eren ran a hand through his mop of hair. “I mean, fighting titans is one thing. But if you’re caught posing as me, you’ll be arrested and put on trial. They could accuse you for treason; they could execute you for this!”

Jean was quiet. “Somebody has to do it,” he said. “It’s like…what you were talking about, on our graduation. Dying for humanity and all that, right? So if something happens to me…you need to make sure you don’t mess up. You need to make sure that you keep going, yeah? Because then at least…” he took a shuddering breath. “I won’t be for nothing.”

Eren was silent for a moment, listening only to the horrible thrumming of his heart. He was so scared – if anything happened to Jean while he was taking his place…he’d never forgive himself.

“What happened in Trost?” he blurted. Jean looked at him, taken aback by the question.

“You know what happened in Trost,” he said.

Eren bit his lip. “Armin said…that you had a rough time in Trost. Even before…Marco. Something made you change your mind about the Scouting Legion…”

Jean took a deep breath, leaning back and closing his eyes. “Things were bad, Eren. So many of us were dead, and everyone thought you were dead too—“ he opened one eye. “—Which was probably one of the worst moments of my life, by the way. They had sounded the retreat signal, but a few dozen of the cadets didn’t have enough gas to climb the wall. And everyone was so busy already, we knew that they wouldn’t come looking for some cadets that were presumed dead.”

“The titans had surrounded the supply building. We couldn’t get in, the supply team couldn’t get out. And we hadn’t much gas – and once we ran out, we were finished. We were literally all sitting around, waiting to die.” Jean took a deep breath. “And then Mikasa came, and she tried to get everyone going but completely failed. I guess Mikasa’s a great soldier, she’s just…not a leader.

“So she went off fighting on her own, and I was watching her, thinking that we couldn’t leave one of our own to fight alone. But nobody was doing anything…not even Marco.”

Eren didn’t like where this was going.

Jean took a deep breath. “So I took the lead. And I got everyone going. And things were alright for a while, but then Mikasa ran out of gas, and then the titans started getting everyone. And god, Eren – they were everywhere and we were dropping like flies and I had literally led all of our friends to their deaths.” His breathing was getting faster, more ragged.

“And I was trying to think of a way out, and then I noticed all the titans were distracted eating, so I got the rest of us to use their deaths as a distraction to get in.” Eren’s breath hitched a little. Jean was crying now, face twisted up in anger as he swiped the tears that fell. “And all I could think of was you, y’know? You would never use anyone’s death to your advantage; you would never leave anyone behind. And maybe if you had been there, more people would be alive now, but it was me there, and I made a bad decision, and now there are people dead because of it.”

He rubbed the heels of his hands against the eyes, before looking up at the sky. “Who the fuck am I?” he asked, his voice rising. “Who the fuck am I to decide who lives and dies? And then, only like, I don’t know, half us made it in anyway. What was it all for?” He said it again, softer. “What was it all for?”

“Some titans were reaching in through a hole in the wall. And everyone was running away from them, but…in that moment, I couldn’t see a way out. I…lost hope. And they reached in, and I didn’t even try to run. I dropped my swords and stood there, and one of its hands was coming right for me, so close I could spell the meat on its breath and see the blood splatters on its fingers. Right then, I would have been perfectly happy to have been eaten.”

His words are sending chills right through Eren’s spine. He reached out for Jean’s hand, grasping it with both of his.

“And then…you were there. Your titan form; punching this titan and ripping it away from me, and I was saved. I didn’t even know it was you then, but even so…it gave me the tiniest spark of hope, I guess. The will to keep moving.” Eren shifted closer to Jean, pressing his forehead against his shoulder. Jean leans into the touch.

“Marco said I was a good leader,” Jean said, quietly. “I don’t think so. He said I was the reason he was still alive – not that it did him much good in the long run.” He laughed bitterly, but it turned into a sob. Eren held onto him tighter.

“The thing about dying, I guess…is that it all comes back on what you die for, right? I used my comrades’ deaths so that some of us could live. If I had made a better choice, they would have lived. Essentially, they died for nothing. They died for my mistakes. Marco died after you had sealed the gate – what did he die for? What did they die for? Bloody well nothing. So I’m going to fight for them, and if I die, at least I’ll have died for something.” Jean was silent for a moment. “I still don’t want to die, though.”

Eren licked his dry lips. “I made some bad decisions too,” he said quietly. “I should have fought Annie when I could have, instead of leaving Squad Levi to fight her. If I hadn’t listened to them and fought her…they might still be alive.” Jean squeezed his hands. It was weird – Eren didn’t like talking about this, but Jean knew, Jean understood.

“But there was something Levi said, before. We don’t know how the choices we make are going to come out, but we still have to make them. All we can do is…believe we won’t regret our choices.”

Jean smiled softly, his beautiful honey eyes still a little misty. “Armin said something similar. He said that it’s easy to look back in hindsight and saw we should have done something else. But at the time, we don’t know, but we still need to make a choice.

Eren smiled against Jean. “I guess we both need to listen to that advice,” he said quietly.

Jean stood up. “There’s another reason I’m here, though,” he said, standing in front of Eren. The setting sun sent bursts of orange and pink hues across the sky behind him, contrasting with his green cloak.

“When we saw you plug the wall, for the first time…I thought maybe this world has a future. If somebody’s going to change the world – it’s gonna be you, Eren. And if I’m going to hell anyway, might as well go following you to the end.”

Eren’s eyes widened as he looked up at Jean, his heart swelling in his chest.

“So,” Jean continued, “we’re counting on you, yeah? You can’t let us down. Right?”

Eren nodded furiously, standing up himself. He needs to do this – not just for himself, but for everyone; those that died and those that survived. He’s going to eliminate the titans for his mother and for Armin’s grandpa and for Mina and Thomas, Nack and Mylius, for Marco and Erd, Petra, Auruo and Gunther, for all of the Scouting Legion patches Levi keeps and the Scouting Legion patches in the bottom drawer of Keith Shadis’ office, and for every forgotten soldier who’s just a splatter of blood across grass somewhere beyond the walls.

But he’s also going to do it for Mikasa and Armin, for Jean, Connie, Sasha, Reiner, Bertholdt, Christa and Ymir. He’s going to do it for Levi and Hanji and Mike and Nanaba, for Keith Shadis and for those kids who looked on in awe at the Scouting Legion, for every damn member of the Garrison and the Legion, and even the MP.

He’s going to change this world and everyone in it and eliminate every damn titan and finally see his ocean.

He’s going to need some help though.

Looking back, he sees how perfect Marco’s analogy about the fireworks was. How accurate he had been about him and Jean being good for one another. Because of him, Jean’s willing to fight for a new world, because of him Jean’s found his hope and his courage. Because of Jean, Eren knows what’s really at stake here, his eyes have been opened to how difficult things are going to be from here on out. But also because of Jean, every time Eren loses his way, Jean’s going to be the one to shove him back on track.

8.

“There’s no way that this is going to work,” Jean said.

The plan, Eren admitted, seemed a tricky one. He and Historia were going to allow themselves to be captured and brought to this Kenny guy, but the Reeves workers would be on their side the whole time. There were a lot of things that could go wrong, and Eren would be lying if he said he wasn’t worried.

As well as the possibilities of the plan falling through, there were a lot of tensions within the walls. Erwin had been arrested and they were on the run from the Military Police. They were walking a fine line, here.

“You need to be careful,” Jean was murmuring. “You’re central to our plans, remember? If things don’t go to plan, we’ll be there to back you up – but still. You need to be careful.”

Eren scowled, although he rather liked Jean fussing over him. It gave him a fluttering feeling in his stomach that was a nice change from the sickening fear and nerves.

“You too,” he said earnestly. “You’ll be in danger constantly. And you can’t regrow limbs like I can.”

“I’m sure I’ll manage,” Jean said dryly.

“I’m just worried.”

“Don’t be.”

“You’re such a dickhead – of course I’m going to be worried!”

“Worry about yourself asshole.”

“Watch your tongue, Kirschtein.”

There was no venom in it, just casual bickering and empty threats. They happen mostly when they were scared or worried, and they’d bounce off each other to take their minds off of it.

They were bickering, but they were also sitting so close that Jean was practically sitting on Eren’s lap, and their hands were curled together.

He felt, rather than saw Jean roll his eyes. “Why,” he asked, “did I fall in love with such an idiot?”

Despite the fact that they were in constant danger, and from tomorrow morning on they were going to be in even worse situations, Eren couldn’t stop the smile on his face. Jean blushed a little, rolling his eyes again. “Come on, it’s not like you didn’t know,” he said.

Eren’s grin grew wider. “And you know that I love you too, yeah?”

“Of course.”

Eren traced Jean’s features with his eyes, trying to commit him to memory. It might be a while before their next meeting, after all. “Jean,” he began. “Can I kiss you?”

Jean tilted his head, looking at Eren. “Wait ‘til this is all over,” he said. “And then I’ll kiss you.”

“What if…what if we don’t both make it?”

Jean glared at Eren. “Who are you, me in my trainee days? We’ll both make it. At least, we have to believe we will, right?”

Eren nodded, running his thumbs gently across Jean’s cheekbones. “Two years ago, you would have scoffed if I had said that to you.”

Jean shrugged. “I was different two years ago.”

“I like the new Jean,” Eren said. “But I liked the old Jean too.”

Jean rested his hands on Eren’s shoulder. “We’re different people,” he said slowly. “But at the same time, we’re still the same kids who brawled in our trainee days. Even if we’re more…mature or whatever, I can count on you. Because no matter what changes, you’re always going to be there to call me out on my shit and give me a less than gentle nudge in the right direction.”

Eren let his forehead rest against Jean’s. This close, he can see the flecks of dark gold and light brown in Jean’s eyes. “I wouldn’t have it any other way,” he said.

9.

Of course, the plan went to shit. And between everything, it was weeks before he was eventually reunited with his friends. Mikasa and Armin were there first of course, and he held them tight as Mikasa sobbed into her scarf. Somehow, the three of them had made it through hell safely – again.

Connie and Sasha were next – those two were balls of positivity in an otherwise bleak world. He got a tight hug from Hanji, Levi gingerly patted his shoulder. And then there was Jean.

He didn’t give Jean the chance to say something witty before he was pressing his lips against Jean’s. It wasn’t delicate or overly romantic, but it was perfect. He kissed Jean until he was breathless. Most of the others were checking up on Historia and didn’t notice, though he doubted this would get past Armin or Mikasa. He also hoped that somewhere Marco was looking at them with a smile, proud that they got past their fighting together, and that they’ve come together beautifully – like fireworks.

They’re fireworks.

“Jean,” he says, when he finally pulls away. “Have you ever seen fireworks?”

“No, actually,” Jean says, confused by the question. There’s a pretty blush on his cheeks and his breathing has increased just slightly. “Why?”

Eren grips his hand tightly, pulling him down for another kiss. “When this is all over,” he says. “I’ll show you fireworks.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this in more or less one sitting im putting this shit on my cv  
> also its after 5am pls forgive any typos  
> comments are my world <3
> 
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